que es un soplo la vida..

She's making dinner for two (three?) while he's playing guitar, taking a shower, or god knows what.
She's singing a song while watching the rice (her son playing on the kitchen floor).

"Mi vieja cantaba, a veces, un tango, y sus ojos se llenaban de otro lugar"

dreams.

Oh my god, I can almost see it. Can you?
Close my eyes and.. there it is.
A house full of light. The sound of children laughing.
A home made piece by piece. A life.. together.

Let it rest for a little while.
It's just a dream.
And today's well worth to be lived.

So keep it stored as a beautiful wish until the time comes.

oh, the guilt. and chaos.

I used to brag about my inability to feel guilty. Man, those were the days.

I feel it growing in me, dark and twisted. I can feel it spreading.

It messes with my head, it makes me act stupid. Stupider.

I can't even look at him. Hug him.

I jump every time he kisses me.

And it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Really.

But he's being so very good to me. So, so good.

It's just chaotic. And, let's face it, slutty.

But it sort off makes me happy. Momentarily, but really happy.

A hug, a kiss, a touch, a smile. A smart comment. A nice thought.

And there's something about both of them. I just fall.

And then there's the more extended chaos.

The dreaming. Oh, the dreaming.

dreaming.

i once said i hated to have nice dreams.
but it's not the dream i hate. it's the waking up.
it feels like i can almost touch him, he's just right there on the edge of my subconscient.
but i can't. and i close my eyes again and wish to keep dreaming, but i'm wide awake
and awake i know it's just a dream. i'm not ever going to touch him, or be talking to him like that.
but it just feels so real.

i.. really need a hug.
human contact. a man's arms around my waist and a man's chest to hide my head in.
but a new man. really, a new man.

and i wake up alone

.

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy

Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he

Got so sick of crying

So just lately

When I catch myself I do a 180

.

I stay up clean the house

At least I'm not drinking

Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking

That silent sense of content

That everyone gets

Just disappears soon as the sun sets

.

This face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

.

If I was my heart I'd rather be restless

The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless

This ache in my chest

As my day is done now

The dark covers me and I cannot run now

.

My blood running cold I stand before him

It's all I can do to assure him

When he comes to me I drip for him tonight

Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

.

His face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

but what the fuck am i thinking?!

how great is fantasy-life?
i mean i am exactly where i want to
being the most popular girl
all my friends are there, and they're so cool.
there's a zillon boys to be chased by,
until my beautiful girl picks me up for lunch.
he's there, and after freaking out completly
(wasn't it about time?)
he finally realizes the huge mistake he's made in cutting me off his life.
i am walking around, gourgeous off course,
and my friends run towards me and hug me
and he just stares, as i greet him with my eyes.
i get out, and there are the rest of my friends,
with a good drink and sparckling one and singing the songs.
and i just sit there, drink and smoke and take my camera
and take the portraits of the future of art and politics at their highest.
and my friends move to town, and summer was just perfect
and then she arrives looking breath-taking as ever
kisses me and smiles
i wave godbye to my wonderful friends and hold her hand
and we walk towards that preety park-side cafe,
where we have cheese cake and champagne for lunch.

well isn't this great?

it's just like, what? oh you know.

i'm like, laaaazy today.
like not really looking forward to much preparation.
or thinking. just like lying around with the boys
(well who the hell are the boys? too much tv...)

feel like runing into my ex (well that's new..)
i mean you know how it goes

- hey! what are you doing here?
- ah.. i live here.. what are you doing here?
- oh you know, just hanging.
- in my front door?
- yep.
- oh, cool. wanna come in?
- sure! how have you been?
- great, you know, i've actually been thinking about you lately.
- oh yeah? that's funny, i've been thinking about you too..
- see? we always think alike.
- right! so how's your family?
- they're good, they actually moved to Hawaii and left me the apartment.
- oh my god! are you serious?
- yeah, it's preety cool... but i'm afraid it gets a little lonely sometimes.
- well you know, you can always call.
- thanks! actually i was thinking, would you stay a couple of days with me? ooh what am i saying, i bet you have millons of things to do...
- yes! i mean no! i mean... i'd love to stay.

you know, just plain good old runing into your ex.
you know how it goes.

why does it sounds so crazy?

i'm here, you know?
i'm ready. i'm not scared, i'm willing to take the risk.
i'm done fooling around, i'm done with the getting over,
i've done my "alone time", i'm in peace with myself
i'm actually ready to give my best.
to take my chances and really try to make it work
to get hurted, and heal. to give myself completaly to someone else.
but there's no one. there's nobody here.
everyone is so fucking scared to even think about it
everyone's just not there yet.
and i get it, it's not something you choose.
and i am not gonna fall for someone i can't have. or doesn't want me.
i'm not gonna fool myself into it. (again)

but then i'll just wait.
wait for someone who's not too scared or inmature to come along.
and it sounds so idealistic and utopic. and naive.

there's no prince charming around. no helpless little dame to rescue.
just intimacy troubles and commitment-fobia wherever i look.

i mean i don't wanna get married. i don't need to move in together
or adopt a cat or a chid. i just want a mature relationship,
with someone capable of adult-thinking and making plans at least two weeks in advance.

where's someone looking for me? where are the people ready to take that chance?
where are the people that are not scared to fall in love?

am i just insaine?
i'm ready to fall in love again.